The Agony and Ecstasy of Shopping

Well I have been shopping and I was able to purchase some items that make me feel pretty and sexy and some that make me feel powerful. But the process I went through to get these things was Agony. Two full days of looking at my hubbles and bubbles, lumps and bumps whilst I tried on 25 shirts or pants until I found a pair that fit.... Walking into a store seeing something very pretty and realizing that those things can not be found in the plus section of the store - that is reserved for large print moomoos and ridiculous looking shirts that are really bags with no style. I have a friend that commented that it is like the people who make these clothes are saying, you are fat and don't deserve to have anything pretty to wear, those clothes are for the chosen size 0-12, your clothes are over HERE on this side!

All be it that I do see that I need to be a good steward with the body that I have been given, that I need to find a way to take care of myself but in the mean time I and others like me do deserve to feel dignified and pretty even though we committed sins of over indulgence. I don't think you will ever find some one with weight issues who are not aware of their weight issues, they do not need to be reminded.

So the agony of living in this body that is so amazing that is was able to grow and bare four children but that I seem to not be able to take care of properly is there but there was ecstasy as well, through the help of good friends who would say - no that is hideous or yes - that is perfect, I also achieved a degree of love for this body.... People of the world.....there is beauty from the ashes!

Pursuit.....

So I am wondering if I need to change the Title of my Blog.....I have read recently that the pursuit if happiness = unhappiness, anything pursued is out of reach...that happiness is right now, we just have to embrace it, accept it, be thankful for it. Well today I am too short to reach it.

Today I feel insignificant - I wish someone would notice me and say, my you are so brilliant that we feel that you must come and work for us and we will pay you large amounts of money to be yourself because yourself are so wonderful.

Today I have to work hard to not sink into darkness, I feel alone and so average. I wish someone longed to be with me, longed to talk to me, longed to know what I think about whatever....I wish to be adored.

I do believe that God, the Universe, whatever you call "it" - adores me but I can't tap into that today. .... possible reasons, I am sick, my sister just went back to London, I am going to be alone with my kids tonight, that I settled for the paint colour that I had and not the one I really wanted so as to save money....

anyway.....I go now to try and grow a few inches to reach that happiness that is just there.

A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle

So I am reading this book " A New Earth" and taking part in an online class that is worldwide and has 100's of 1000's of participants. I am curious what it will be like..... I think this may be a significant cultural event??

One of the thoughts I encountered in this book -

" In order to attract success, you need to welcome it wherever you see it." The author explains that "resentment of another person's success curtails your own chances of success....

hmmmm so there is this girl, woman really - she is beautiful, I mean turn your head and stare- beautiful and on top of it she is really nice, creative and smart - I really dislike her!

Why you ask? I am not sure but I think partly because she is beautiful and continues to be even after birthing children. She is also very private and that alarms me, I, who read everyone's twitch and wiggle, cannot read this person. She is the first person I thought of when I read the above because I really don't like her ( I am not happy for her success) and she has never given me a reason not to. So the question is (she says through mouthfuls of chocolate cheese cake and sips of Chai) how do I change my feelings and thoughts about this person?

Sidebar - There is a little voice in my head that says, maybe your dislike is valid, maybe she is not a safe person (I don't know her well)

Tolle says that you have to "see the link between your thinking and emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them." pg. 96

I am not completely sure where the awareness behind them is but I have an inkling....I think it is like looking down at yourself and seeing yourself feel an emotion and observing all that comes with that and seeing that the emotion is not you- being beyond thought, being is something that is - you don't change or fix it, it is perfect - it just is.

So (munch, munch - still eating cheese cake) I am thinking on this - although Tolle says we need to get beyond thought, but still I am thinking about being beyond thought....

thoughts anyone????

Kundalini shakti

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love right now by Elizabeth Gilbert and yes she has been on Oprah too. I am reading it slowly and trying to savour all the flavours and thoughts these yummy sentences are bringing into being within my mind.

"kundalini shakti is depicted as a snake who lies coiled at the base of the spine until it is released by a master's touch or a by a miracle, and which then ascends up through seven chakras....Just as there exists in writing a literal truth and a poetic truth, there also exists in a human being a literal anatomy and a poetic anatomy. One you can see, one you cannot. One is made of bones and teeth and flesh; the other is made of energy and memory and faith. But they are both equally true." Pg. 144

So when I read about ks (short form for ease of typing) it made complete sense to me. I have been moving toward understanding energy, thought, and the divine. One women said, energy follows thought....this sums up very well the ideas behind Yoga and many Chinese practices like Tai Chi and Qi Gong and yes, the Holy Spirit. Funnily enough the Sci-Fi series that I am watching right now also talks about these things, about our brains capasity for doing extraordinary things, the people in the show have powers or "gifts" that are really from within themselves. I have been hearing about healing methods like Body Talk which many people Thunder Bay practice and I think helped me go into labour with my last baby...

Now let me clarify that I feel that any capasity we have for greatness, for happiness for peace comes from the divine because I believe we are divine creations, it is the divine blueprint that makes us so capable.

anyway what is the point of all of this? Realizing our potential and doing good with it. What might that look like? A mom not shouting at her kids because she has centered herself enough to control her anger. A man who finds a cure for HIV because he has cleared his mind and is divinely inspired to see solutions. Yesterday on Oprah we heard from people who were doing well in life because they were using positive energy to live their lives....

What does that mean for my life today? - another message from the universe that I need to find ways to quiet myself as I mentioned in my last entry. I am going to walk and try and find a time to meditate each day - I used to, I know how I just have to find the time even five mins. I will give an update in a week and let you know how I am doing.

I feel like I am on the brink of a break through in terms of living life better....the excitement and energy around me is palpable....

"Often we fault in others what we see in ourselves."

We have heard this type of adage many times....but stop and think about it for a moment. Your spouse, your partner, your mom, your daughter/son- the things that drive us crazy about them - are they what we don't like about ourselves? So what do we do about that? When we feel like punching someone is the face because they are driving us crazy, try to think about what about myself do I see in this - how can I change this interaction.

Since being home on leave I have had some time to quiet my mind and thoughts, I have been able to slow down enough to actually start to think through my reactions and interactions with people. I am realizing benefits from this and realizing that I need to find a way to have this mental space even when I go back to work. Most of life I have been afraid of quiet, when its is quiet I have to face thoughts I don't want to face but at this old age of 35, I want to face what ever is in there and move on honey! I am tired of being bogged down with negative things and baggage, I want to travel light.

So how do I do this? Not watching entertainment news is one big step for me, not reading magazines unless they are cooking/recipe mags. Trying to watch TV that is good, not just there. Even blogging, clears my mind, as I start to write I can empty my thoughts some and make room for others....how to be more efficient at work so I can leave on time and once I get home to be here, not mentally there - maybe meditation? I will get back to you as I explore what tools I need to put in my box to help me, maybe you have suggestions?

Well, gotta go watch one of those good TV shows, The 4400 for sci-fi fans out there, it's a good one.

Plans Plan Plans....

Ok - I did not make my kids watch Oprah like I had planed - I felt like it would not impress on them. I did however avoid entertainment news yesterday and I missed out the news on the Oscar noms and Heath Leger's death. Now see how sick that sounds.... I "missed out" of the news of a death - this is why I cannot watch anymore. I found out by the way on regular news CNN/BBC.

I often have plans in day and I often do not realize those plans or expectations of myself or my time for that day. It could be a function of having a baby around that is a bosslady but it is also me. I realize that I am a person who wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I think i have bought into the "you are worth it" byline and I do what ever I want or feel like doing. Where is the line between being good to yourself and enjoying life and being undisciplined? I am wondering what others think.....

Let us be judged by the character of our heart....

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day - I just finished watching Oprah's special....I am still sniffing back my tears. Tears of joy at where we have come - tears of sadness from where we came - she asked the question how can you keep Dr. King's dream alive?

I think we still have to fight the "power." Don't be drones, don't accept, ask questions all the time, think about what you eat, what you read, what you say, how you spend your time. The words that kept hitting me hard were "Let us not be judged by the colour of our skin but by the character of our hearts." We judge each other in so many ways - our weight, our clothes, our teeth, our language, our education. how much we work or don't work, how much we produce. We allow unknowns to influence what we value in each other - marketing. This is a quote from Michael Crichton's book titled "Next" Pg. 299

"Furthermore, we have conquered personal space. Logos, brands, and slogans appear on ordinary objects from knives to tableware to computers. They appear on all our possessions. Consumers wear logos on their clothing, handbags, shoes, jewelry. Indeed, it is rare for a person to appear in public without them. Thirty years ago, if anyone predicted that the entire global public would turn themselves into sandwich boards, walking about advertising products, the idea would have seemed fantastical."

I think to myself I want Victoria Secret underwear because I deserve it and I need to make sure that I take care of myself - keep sexy- so these underwear that say Victoria Secret make me more sexy then Walmart brand because they cost more and beautiful starving women wear them.

I feel like I am taking better care of myself when I spend more on something. I have swallowed the pill.... granted some things that cost more are better - I give you that but the brand is key....there have been studies done on cosmetics which are identical to each other but people assume the more expensive one is better for them.

BUT....what is the character of my heart? I spend so much time thinking about making money to buy things, about how I need to get my house fixed up so people who visit won't think I am poor - or feel uncomfortable with the choices I have made. When alone in my house - I am fine with my furniture and my "unfinished" decor. When the times comes it will be appropriate to fix it up of course - but when it is time - when the character of my heart says - this is what is required at this time.

For me - I know I am responsible for the character of my heart. I am a person of faith and some times people of faith think God is responsible for their character - I don't think so - God makes available -love and wisdom and we have the responsibility to put those ingredients together and create a character of heart.

What is going on around you - what do you need to speak up about - what should you NOT accept as "the way things are?" Dr. King leaves us a legacy - what are you going to do keep the dream alive? Me two things I will do today

(1) I will no longer consume celebrity gossip ( a big step for those of you who know me)
(2) I am going to go pick up my kids from school and make them watch Oprah today....I am going to introduce them to Dr. King's dream.

My Profile and the lack thereof

I am not going to fill out my profile....I am evolving so I won't set myself in a box for now...all y'all can decide for yourselves and I will do the same.

Well given our facebook culture I had given up on blogging - as the old way of doing but being the person of many many many words that I am and with the encouragement of a friend, I have decided to go back to the blogging side of things. I have created this new blog (my old one is Je Suis) I feel that I am starting a new chapter and someone told me I was too depressing in my old blog - I am still processing that comment.

Well today I am munching on a freshly baked banana muffin (baked by moi) and drinking a hot cup of coffee and feeling like hmmmm what is around the cornor? Well the first thing I run into is that I do not know how to spell cornor....that is a place to start. I cannot spell - I am one of those people that if you carefully checked my resume you might find an error. What does my inability to spell tell you? That I am careless, that I don't pay attention to detail - perhaps I am not educated?

I am educated, I am quite intelligent even - I do pay attention to detail- what it is- I am dyslexic. this impacts not only my ability to spell but my ability to see the error - I read the word on the page and it appears correct to me - I cannot see the error. Usually the misspelled words are common every day words...anyway this is something that defines me.

In university I did not know about dyslexia and did not know that is what made me the way I was - I just found a way to cope. When I would be writing an exam I would write in a messy manner so you could not really tell how I spelled the word. My exams were like those emails that go around that have the words all garbled up but you can still read them. So I am a messy writer - I developed this skill to cover up my inability to spell again something that defines me.

On Oprah ( you will find this phrase many many many times in the course of my blogs - deal with it!) on Friday they had a financial expert on who went into a woman's home and saw it messy, dirty dishes etc and proclaimed that her house (and her financial situation) was a mess because that was how she was on the inside, mentally - a mess - cluttered. I asked myself as I looked around my cluttered messy house still in my pajamas - is that true of me - is my house a reflection of my mind and heart? Is my messy writing, my inability to always catch my spelling errors, my verbose nature a reflection of a chaotic person?

Right now my answer is no- I choose to spend my time differently then other people. I would rather sit down and work on a puzzle with my daughter then make sure the kitchen floor is spotless (with four kids the floor is never clean for long) I would rather read a book or watch a movie and fill my soul with thoughts then make sure that my bed is made. I would rather spend two hours cooking something delicious then making sure my cupboards are organized.

What do you think? Am I making excuses? I wonder what Oprah would say to me?