The Agony and Ecstasy of Shopping

Well I have been shopping and I was able to purchase some items that make me feel pretty and sexy and some that make me feel powerful. But the process I went through to get these things was Agony. Two full days of looking at my hubbles and bubbles, lumps and bumps whilst I tried on 25 shirts or pants until I found a pair that fit.... Walking into a store seeing something very pretty and realizing that those things can not be found in the plus section of the store - that is reserved for large print moomoos and ridiculous looking shirts that are really bags with no style. I have a friend that commented that it is like the people who make these clothes are saying, you are fat and don't deserve to have anything pretty to wear, those clothes are for the chosen size 0-12, your clothes are over HERE on this side!

All be it that I do see that I need to be a good steward with the body that I have been given, that I need to find a way to take care of myself but in the mean time I and others like me do deserve to feel dignified and pretty even though we committed sins of over indulgence. I don't think you will ever find some one with weight issues who are not aware of their weight issues, they do not need to be reminded.

So the agony of living in this body that is so amazing that is was able to grow and bare four children but that I seem to not be able to take care of properly is there but there was ecstasy as well, through the help of good friends who would say - no that is hideous or yes - that is perfect, I also achieved a degree of love for this body.... People of the world.....there is beauty from the ashes!

Pursuit.....

So I am wondering if I need to change the Title of my Blog.....I have read recently that the pursuit if happiness = unhappiness, anything pursued is out of reach...that happiness is right now, we just have to embrace it, accept it, be thankful for it. Well today I am too short to reach it.

Today I feel insignificant - I wish someone would notice me and say, my you are so brilliant that we feel that you must come and work for us and we will pay you large amounts of money to be yourself because yourself are so wonderful.

Today I have to work hard to not sink into darkness, I feel alone and so average. I wish someone longed to be with me, longed to talk to me, longed to know what I think about whatever....I wish to be adored.

I do believe that God, the Universe, whatever you call "it" - adores me but I can't tap into that today. .... possible reasons, I am sick, my sister just went back to London, I am going to be alone with my kids tonight, that I settled for the paint colour that I had and not the one I really wanted so as to save money....

anyway.....I go now to try and grow a few inches to reach that happiness that is just there.

A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle

So I am reading this book " A New Earth" and taking part in an online class that is worldwide and has 100's of 1000's of participants. I am curious what it will be like..... I think this may be a significant cultural event??

One of the thoughts I encountered in this book -

" In order to attract success, you need to welcome it wherever you see it." The author explains that "resentment of another person's success curtails your own chances of success....

hmmmm so there is this girl, woman really - she is beautiful, I mean turn your head and stare- beautiful and on top of it she is really nice, creative and smart - I really dislike her!

Why you ask? I am not sure but I think partly because she is beautiful and continues to be even after birthing children. She is also very private and that alarms me, I, who read everyone's twitch and wiggle, cannot read this person. She is the first person I thought of when I read the above because I really don't like her ( I am not happy for her success) and she has never given me a reason not to. So the question is (she says through mouthfuls of chocolate cheese cake and sips of Chai) how do I change my feelings and thoughts about this person?

Sidebar - There is a little voice in my head that says, maybe your dislike is valid, maybe she is not a safe person (I don't know her well)

Tolle says that you have to "see the link between your thinking and emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them." pg. 96

I am not completely sure where the awareness behind them is but I have an inkling....I think it is like looking down at yourself and seeing yourself feel an emotion and observing all that comes with that and seeing that the emotion is not you- being beyond thought, being is something that is - you don't change or fix it, it is perfect - it just is.

So (munch, munch - still eating cheese cake) I am thinking on this - although Tolle says we need to get beyond thought, but still I am thinking about being beyond thought....

thoughts anyone????